My bubble has been decimated.

Disappointed?

Yeah. Me too.

Bad, bad news. It looks like our car needs about $2000 of work. We have to get it done, because we need the car to get to our obligations (i.e. work, meetings, etc.). It’s worth it to put the money into the car, but it sucks. It sucks a lot.

It means being really frugal this quarter. It means not going to the National Women’s Studies Association annual conference, and thus, not seeing a couple of my closest friends whom I sorely miss. It means being more anxious about money than we already are.

But what does this have to with cycling?

It also means no new road bike. At least, not for a while. I wanted to buy it this quarter because I could get it at such a great discount. And, realistically speaking, I need a new road bike if I’m going to do distance rides next summer. I need one that fits me so that I don’t injure or strain anything while riding. And I need one in time to train, which means I need it by next spring. But next spring, they may no longer have the discounted 2010 models. So, I’m not sure what I’ll do.

I’m incredibly disappointed. I can’t even find the words. There’s the deep disappointment, of course, that not getting the bike brings. I had been looking forward to this for months. But then, there is (was) the symbolism of allowing myself to spend $800 on a new road bike.

– The purchase of the bike was a grand reward for working incredibly hard to balance grad school and self-care, to take care of myself and my body despite being in a setting that does not really promote self-care or balance.

– The purchase of the bike was symbolic of the excitement of actually being so dedicated to a sport, to finding an athletic activity that I do because I really love it and am passionate about it.

– The purchase of the bike was representative of my commitment to cycling and dedicating time to something that I love – to something that I do out of sheer enjoyment, something really for myself now. In this moment.

– The bike was to be representative of working toward a goal on so many levels – cycling in a healthy way, making time for something that makes me feel so good regardless of the constant pressures of grad school to work all the time, dedicating the money from my graduate teaching fellowship to the bike as a symbol of my commitment to this and to keeping this in my life.

And, intellectually speaking, I know that not purchasing this bike as planned doesn’t mean any of these things will fall by the wayside. I can still be excited about cycling (though at this very moment it’s hard to feel anything but disappointment). I can still be serious about cycling. I can remain determined to keep it as a part of balanced self-care. I can still be a part of the cycling community in Columbus.

Intellectually, I still know that all of those things are true. Emotionally, this is a severe blow.

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6 responses to “My bubble has been decimated.

  1. You will appreciate the bike more when you have to wait for it. Please post a picture of you on your new bike!

  2. I am bummed with you. Blech. Yuck. You’ll “cycle on” of course – but for right now, it just sucks. So sorry! (because I do know the joy of finding an athletic activity that you do just because you love it so much….)

    • Haha. I will “cycle on.” And I’m sure in a few days this will only seem like a minor setback. And hopefully some 2010 models will still be kicking around in January . . .

  3. Oh my dear, I’ve read all about this now and I’m sorry *hugs* I know it’s not “just a bike” and I totally understand your sadness in this! I can only hope they’ll have some on sale still in January.

    No matter what though, you’ve done such a wonderful job of keeping up with self-care and balance. I’m proud of you, I really am 🙂

    And as Sharon said; you’ll “cycle on”!

  4. I hope they’ll still have some on sale in January too! I think there’s definitely a chance of it, and I remembered today that I can put my tax return toward it, so that will help some.

    The sense of disappointment hasn’t been paralyzing today, and frankly, that’s an improvement!

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